I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
fixed it
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis