My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.