Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
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[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
X-tra spooky blend
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections