Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
You Might Also Like
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Fries, not lies.
Hmm, not sure about this change
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
🤣could you imagine
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this