My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
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my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
worst…sale…ever
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
True statement👍😏😁
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.