Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.