Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
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I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I’m Sold!
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
whenever i wake up before my alarm
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons