The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
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2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Social distancing in Australia:
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”