Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
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Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.