ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone