Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.