Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
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HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
🤣✨#caturday
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”