I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker