[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
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If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Good morning.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same