all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Who called it baking and not making love
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*Inspirational Tweets*
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.