Feel. He’s so soft.
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Art by Pastelkatto
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean