TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages