I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner