I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Swedish for common sense.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.