Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
You Might Also Like
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
This is true.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned