The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside