*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.