My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
men are simple creatures
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour