why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
This is amazing.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
how it started vs how it ended
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue