Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.