Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
You Might Also Like
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect