Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
You’ll be OK
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?