Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
security at the airport getting more straightforward
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
This took me a second..
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭