Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy