When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
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Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts