Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Monica just destroyed the internet
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
No. He’s not coming out to play
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!