John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend