He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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work smarter, not harder
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.