customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
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“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
just gave your address to some spiders
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.