warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
necessity is the mother of invention
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My whole life was a lie.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month