A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
You Might Also Like
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I like donuts.
Twitter:
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it