My relationship with tea has always been strained.
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
We’ve all been there
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.