coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
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Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
😂 amazing answer
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.