me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.