It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“How’s your day going?”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.