Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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Raisins are grape jerky.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
choose your gary
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.