Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”