I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Simple
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!