My cat is trying to kill me. 馃ぃ
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fj盲llbo
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Kids: What鈥檚 for supper?
Me: Well, I didn鈥檛 have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I鈥檓 just using what we鈥檝e got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Me: *doesn鈥檛 laugh at friend鈥檚 story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I can鈥檛 go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who鈥檚 stuck with me that would be great
[at the bar]
Me: Let鈥檚 settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
Husband: Don鈥檛 tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what