Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.