My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.