If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Pot warmers of the day.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???