How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Good morning!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.