I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.