“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Life hack
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Unexpected Judgment
Yoga Matt
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Taliband
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.